RandomUnexplained Killing at Hogwarts
by brigittefitzgerald
Summary: I just kill off some unpopular characters from the books, in a funny way though. If you hace a suggestion who I should kill, please review! this is my first time, so please be kind!
1. Serevus Snape

A/N: Hi! This is my first time posting here so don't be too cruel! Oh and Harry Hermione and Ron cannot be killed!

Disclaimer: Yeah I don't own Harry Potter, any of it's characters, blah blah blah. That privilege belongs to JK Rowling.

Summary: Just random killings happening on Hogwarts grounds without anyone really caring that the person dies. Submit who you would like to see die and I'll come up with a chappie for them:)

Chapter 1: Severus Snape, we hated him the most.

So on one of our favourite trios outing to visit the gamekeeper, Hagrid, Harry saw something in the Forbidden Forest.

Harry: Hey, you guys, I think I see something in the forest.

Hermione: Come off it Harry, it's probably just a Centaur or a spider.

At the mention of 'spider' Ron jumped a few feet in the air and did his squeaky voice thingy.

Ron: H-h-hermione! D-don't say that name!

Harry and Hermione were laughing at Ron's high squeaky voice, and Harry decided to add to his own amusement and Ron's torture.

Harry: Don't say what Ron? Spiders? Or maybe even………….VOLDERMORT!

Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

While Harry and Hermione were having a good laugh at Ron's expense, Harry spotted something move just from within the Forest

Harry: You guys I see it again! Look right there! (he pointed to the spot where the thing had been, but it was gone) I swear it was there!

Hermione: Harry, have you forgotten to take your medication today?

Harry: Ummmm………maybe. (with that he fished out 2 Flinstones Chewable Vitamins, popped them into his mouth, and smiled at Hermione in a very unusual manner) You're pretty!

Harry made to reach for Hermione's hair, and he stroked it several times while saying "pretty" Hermione backed away from Harry, very disturbed, but made to figure out if Harry was crazy or not.

Hermione: LUMOS MAXIMA!

Suddenly Hermione's wand gave the most brilliant flash of light. The light was so hot, that it turned her wand white-hot (but surprisingly it did not break into a thousand splinters)

Voice: Accio Wand!

With that Hermione's white-hot wand flew from her hands to none other than Snape's. But just as Snape was about to grab hermione's wand, Crookshanks jumped up and bit Snape's greasy hand (yes he has greasy hands) so that the white-hot wand landed in his nostril!

Snape: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE BURNING! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! THE CAT! GET CAT OFF ME! GRANGER! POTTER! WEASLEY!

Hermione made to grab Crookshanks off Snape, and Ron and Harry stood there with amused looks on their faces. Harry made to help Snape after a moment, but ended up stabbing the wand back further into his nose.

Harry: (giggling like a maniac) sorry, professor.

Harry then proceded to free Hermione's wand from the vulgar contents of Snape's nose. At last there was a bit of give and Harry yanked as hard as he could. Harry had freed Hermione's wand, but something was on the end of it. Something squishy and grey looking.

IT WAS SNAPE"S BRAIN!

With a few last gugling sounds, Snape fell to the ground, dead. Harry, Ron and Hermione just stared at Snape, and then his disgusting brain. Hermione was in hysterics.

Hermione: WE KILLED A TEACHER! WE'RE GOING TO BE EXPELLED FOR SURE! OH SHIT! WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO AZKABAN!

Hermione was in such a state of shock at having killed Snape, that she promptly fainted. Harry and Ron stared at the unconscious Hermione, and picked her up but her arms and feet. They started walking back towards the castle when Ron suddenly spoke.

Ron: So, got Quidditch tomorrow?

Harry: Yeah.

With that the two of them, (carrying Hermione) went up the sloping hill towards the school. Leaving Snape's boody and brain to be carried away by the spiders.

That's it! Read and Reaview! Who should die next? Remember we can't kill Harry, Ron, or Hermione!


	2. Draco Malfoy

A/N: Nothing even remotely related to Harry Potter is mine. Jk Rowling owns that privilage. Ready for more killing? Okay!

Chapter 2: Draco Malfoy the boy who was the great bouncing ferret!

Harry, Ron and Hermione were settling down after a fabulous feast in the Great Hall. What were they celebrating? Snape's death of course! There were even long banners that had a picture of Snape with his eyes crossed out and at the bottom it said "Yay!"

Suddenly Draco Malfoy came up to the trio at they're table.

Malfoy: So Potter! You think you can kill Snape and get away with it? You'll pay! You'll all pay!

Ron: What are you? Like his son or something?

Malfoy: of course not Weasley! What a stupid thing to say!

With that Malfoy walked back to the Slytherin table where he was talking in ferocious whispers to Crabbe and Goyle, his two henchmen!

Hermione: Wonder what he means by 'you'll all pay'? Do you think he'll try and kill us?

Harry: Nah, all he does is make up stupid insults and threaten to tell his father everything. He's a real wuss if you think about it.

Ron was busy repairing his yet again broken wand with that magical tape stuff. He looked it over and showed it to Harry and Hermione.

Ron: Well, what do you think?

Hermione: I think you should just get a new wand.

With that Hermione chucked the wand as far as she could across the Hall. It landed only feet away from Malfoy.

Harry: There, see doesn't that feel better? I'll buy you a new wand, I got loads of money!

Ron: Yeah, okay.

At that moment Malfoy had picked up Ron's broken wand and pointed it at Harry.

Malfoy: You'll pay for killing my fath- I mean my Head of house and favourite teacher, POTTER! Remember when Moody turned me into a ferret? Well we'll see how the famous Harry Potter deals with being a ferret!

Malfoy uttered the spell that was supposed to turn Harry into a ferret, but using Ron's broken wand, it backfired on him. Malfoy was now a white ferret yet again. Everyone was laughing, even Crabbe and Goyle.

In an instant, Hagrid entered the Great Hall.

Hagrid: Sorry I'm late, I had a bit of cleaning up to do after- (crunch) what did I step on?

Hagrid lifted his boot to find a squashed remain of a white ferret. He grabbed it off his boot and held it for everyone to see.

Hagrid: (looking at Harry, Ron and Hermione) You lot wanna come and see a proper burial?

All three nodded and followed Hagrid to his pumpkin patch where Buckbeak was laying down. They did not mention to Hagrid that he was really holding the remains of Malfoy.

Hagrid: All right there, Beaky? Here, I brought you a snack.

And with that Hagrid tossed the dead Malfoy-turned-ferret to Buckbeak, who munched away with glee.

Hagrid: That rotten Malfoy kid not giving you lot any trouble, is he?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had to fight back their laughter.

Harry: I don't think he'll be bothering us again, Hagrid.

Read and Review! Who shall die next? Can't kill Harry, Hermione or Ron.


	3. Pansy Parkinson

**A/N**: I do not own Harry Potter. That privilage is JK Rowlings. Umm yeah I've written down all the people that you kind reviewers want me to kill, so I have a list of around 10 characters. I've already killed Snape and Malfoy. Rememeber, I can't kill Harry, Ron or Hermione.

**Chapter 3**: Pansy Parkinson, Bringeth It On, Bitch!

In the usual double Potions with the Slytherins, Harry felt like the most hated person on Earth, and he was because all the Slytherins blamed him for killing both Snape and Malfoy. It wasn't his fault really, because who would have trusted him to pull out a burning wand whilst on medication? And Malfoy had said the spell and turned into a ferret, not Harry.

Pansy Parkinson had the most unique set of torture for Harry to endure. Pansy sat behind Harry all class and flicked him on the back of his neck with her long, manicured nail, sending miniscule cuts down Harry's neck.

**Pansy**: That's for killing Draco and Snape. (taking a pause between each word to flick Harry's neck)

Harry turned around to tell Pansy off, but found himself with a cut on his cheek instead. Hermione was uttering her usual antics of "Just ignore it." to Harry. Harry turned around to stare at her.

**Harry**: Just ignore it? Bloody hell, I don't see you getting sliced to ribbons over here! Ouch! Her nails hurt like a bitch.

**Hermione**: It makes sense, doesn't it? Her nails hurt like a bitch because she is a bitch.

**Pansy**: I heard that, Granger. I bet you you could never have goregous nails like these, or be as stunningly pretty as I am.

Harry tried not to throw up in his mouth. Sure Pansy was okay looking when her mouth was closed, but when she started talking, she looked like a hag. Suddenly, the classroom door opened and Professor McGonagall stepped in.

**McGonagall**: Settle down, settle down. Now, I will be your temporary Potions Master whilst we are looking for someone to take the job fulltime. I see that we are making hair tonic today so everyone get out your things and begin mixing. I will test the product on one of you near the end of class. Potter, where's Mr. Weasley?

**Harry**: Oh, he had to go to the Hospital Wing. He got a Howler that set his hair on fire because he ignored it.

**McGonagall**: I see. You have one hour to complete your tonic. Go.

**ONE HOUR LATER **

**McGonagall**: Time's up. Everyone prepare your cauldrons. I shall now pick whose hair tonic I am going to test.

Pansy Parkinson raised her hand.

**McGonagall**: Yes, Miss Parkinson?

**Pansy**: I think you should try Hermione's hair tonic Professor. (under her breathe, so that only Hermione and Harry could hear) Because God knows she needs it.

Harry was turning red, all of the anger built up nside of him was ready to burst. Hermione put her hands in his field of vision, and they were different somehow. Hermione's nails were now about two inches long, and painted with a very light pink gloss.

**Hermione**: You like?

**Harry**: Yeah.

**McGonagall**: Potter. Granger. Pay attention. Thank you for volunteering, Miss Parkinson.

**Pansy**: You're welcome, Professor. I just thought that---wait...volunteering?

**McGonagall**: Yes. You've volunteered to test your own tonic.

With that McGonagall took a large ladle and dipped it into Pansy's cauldron. When she brought it out, the whole class could see a large black blob, which looked kind of chuncky. McGonagall then proceeded to dump this ladle full onto Pansy Parkinson's head.

**McGonagall**: Now you see, if Miss Parkinson has made her tonic correctly, her hair should have more bounce in it.

Everyone watched the black goop on top of Pansy's head. It churned and bubbled a bit, did one bounce, and then,

Her hair fell out.

**Pansy**: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAIR MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!

While Pansy was on the ground trying to pick up her hair, Hermione left her seat with determination and went over to Pansy.

**Hermione**: I just want you to know that you look like an old British man when you're bald.

Hermione then raised her long nails and scratched into the back of Pansy's neck "Hermione is beautiful" Unfortunately, Hermione jabbed a little too hard at one point, and a fountain of blood produced from Pansy's neck. With one last struggled word Pansy looked at Hermione and said, "Bitch". Hermione smiled and returned to her table that she shared with Harry.

**Hermione**: The one and only.

Harry looked at Hermione in shock, he even pulled back some when she came near the table, hoping she wouldn't add to the lines of blood down his neck with "Hermione is beautiful"

**Harry**: Hermione, why did you do that?

**Hermione**: I wanted red tips, of course!

With that the bell rang, and everyone left the dungeon for dinner in the Great Hall.

That's it Read and Review please! Next on the chopping block: Umbridge! Can't kill Harry Ron or Hermione.


	4. Dolores Umbridge

**A/N**: I do not own Harry Potter. That belongs to JK Rowling. Yeah I'm going to kill Umbridge today, so sit tight and let the blood flow. I'm sorry if this chapter bounces around or doesn't quite make sense. I'm really tired at the moment. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out in 7 days! I bought my ticket already, I'm going to see it at 3:30 in the afternoon.

**Chapter Four**: Dolores Umbridge Succeed at killing Harry, you did not.

Hermione, Harry and Ron were in the library, researching ways in which Harry could defeat off Voldemort, yet again. Harry was in a very bad mood because he has just been forbidden from playing Quidditch ever again. Umbridge had taken his broom and locked it in her cupboard, under a tight enchantment. Harry looked down at his hand, which still had the faintest remains of "I will not tell lies" etched into the back of it.

**Harry**: You know what? Fuck this! I need revenge on that bitch.

Harry turned to Hermione with a twinkle in his eye and whispered.

**Harry**: Can you teach me how to do the Imperious Curse?

Hermione was as stunned as ever, she proceeded to close her book, and looked at Harry.

**Hermione**: Harry, there's a reason why they are called the Unforgivable Curses. If you use any one of them you'd be sent to Azkaban like that.

Harry walked up to Hermione. He was so close that their noses were practically touching. Hermione could feel Harry's breath on her, and she couldn't take her eyes away from his, (wow, sexual tension anyone?) He then lifted his hand up so that Hermione could see the scar.

**Harry**: She did this to me, Hermione. All I want to do is repay the favour.

**Hermione**: I'm sorry, Harry, but I can't teach you that curse. If it was anything else I'd do it in an instant, but I can't do this.

Hermione stared at the floor, and Harry backed away a few paces. They both looked at anything but each other. Then Ron spoke up.

**Ron**: Why don't you ask Dumbledore?

**Harry**: Hey, yeah! What a great idea. Thanks!

And with that, Harry ran out of the library. Leaving his two friends to stare after him. Once Harry was up the stairs he knocked on Dumbledore's door.

**Dumbledore**: Come in!

Harry entered the room and found Dumbledore standing beside one of two chairs, and on a television screen he saw the words "Carmen Electra's Strip Tease Exercise Video Workout." Dumbledore turned off the television once he recognized Harry.

**Dumbledore**: I'm sorry, Harry. I thought you were Professor McGonagall. We have our weekly………..uh………video club tonight.

**Harry**: Riiiiight. Anyways sir, I was just wondering if you could teach me the Imperious Curse, because I want Professor Umbridge to pay for making me write "I must not tell lies" on my hand. Plus, you know, she's a bitch.

**Dumbledore**: Too right you are, Harry. Professor Umbridge is a bitch, and she's a kiss up to that fat-ass Fudge. I'll teach you how, Harry. It's going to take at least an hour.

**ONE HOUR LATER**

**Dumbledore**: Okay go get the bitch, Harry, I believe you're ready enough. And even if you're not………..well we'll get to that later. Off you go now.

**IN UMBRIDGES OFFICE**

**Umbridge**: Ah, Mr. Potter. Has the scar on your hand taught you not to tell lies yet? Or are we in for another detention?

**Harry**: I'm not telling lies and you know it. VOLDEMORT IS BACK! HE"S GOING TO KILL ME! But first I want to kill you. IMPERIOUS!

With that Umbridge was at Harry's command. Harry picked up the quill that cut the scar into his hand and placed it in Umbridge's hand.

**Harry**: Write "I will not tell lies" all over your body.

**THIRTY MINUTES LATER**

Harry left Umbridge's office with a wide eyed look of horror. The last look he saw of Professor Umbridge was that she was trying to write "I will not tell lies" on her ass. Harry shook himself to try to rid his mind of that memory. As he was walking along back to his common room he bumped into Dumbledore who told him that he was going with a little surprise to Professor Umbridge.

**Dumbledore**: Ah, Professor. I just wanted to see how you were doing and---oh my, you don't look very well at all.

Umbridge was now very pale all over her body. She was seated in a desk that was covered in blood, and dripping everywhere. Her eyes and lips were open but she didn't move.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dolores Umbridge is dead. (waits for rounds of applause)

**Dumbledore**: Well, I just wanted to give you some of these lovely Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Jelly Beans.

With that, Dumbledore put a red jelly bean into the dead Professor's mouth and tipped her head back so that it would slid down her throat. Dumbledore smiled and told Umbridge what flavour it was.

**Dumbledore**: Vomit flavoured, if you care to know.

That's it! Read and Review Please! Next Up: Rita Skeeter! Can't Kill The Trio of Harry Ron and Hermione.


	5. Rita Skeeter

**A/N**: I do not own Harry Potter! Yeah, to those of you who think Harry and Hermione is wrong, well sue me I'm delusional. Yeah I won't focus on anymore sexual tension or anything. Guess who gets to die today? Rita Skeeter! Sit back and enjoy!

**Chapter Five**: Rita Skeeter, the Gossip Seeker.

It was a beautiful day as Harry and Ron walked out onto the Quidditch pitch for practice. He gathered around everyone to tell them what was the plan for today.

**Harry**: Okay everyone, I want you to do twenty laps around the pitch then I'll release the balls and we can get started.

Ron and the others kicked off from the ground, but Harry made his way towards the stands.

**Rita Skeeter**: Why, hello Harry! I was wondering if I could have a quick word?

**Harry**: Yeah, as a matter of fact, you can have four: GET AWAY FROM ME!

**Rita Skeeter**: Now, Harry, is that really a proper way to speak to an elder? I think not. Perhaps your anger is focused more on the fact that you never had any strong parental figures in your life? Do you cry about your parents Harry? It's alright to admit it, I would never tell anyone.

**Harry**: Yeah, you won't! Accio Quill!

Rita's QuickQuotes Quill flew into Harry's outstretched hand, and he broke it in two.

**Harry**: There! Now how're you going to write your precious article?

**Rita Skeeter**: Harry, you honestly don't think that was my only quill do you? A good reporter must be prepared in case of situations such as these.

Rita Skeeter then produced another QuickQuotes Quill from her acid green handbag. Harry just rolled his eyes and kicked off from the ground, glad to be very far away from Rita Skeeter. The twins met Harry in the air, both holding something in their hands.

**Fred**: Harry, we've been watching your encounter with that Skeeter woman, and we thought this may help.

Fred and George then produced from behind their back a Bludger and a bat.

**George**: It's the rogue one that went after you in second year. And we figured out how to program it. You just say the victims name to it. Give it a go.

And with that the twins flew off leaving Harry with a Bludger and a bat. Harry decided to try it out.

**Harry**: Rita Skeeter.

At once the Bludger flew from his hands and hung there for a moment. Harry gave it a hard whack with the bat and off it went, straight towards Rita. Rita was just getting her QuickQuotes Quill ready to write when the rogue Bludger attacked her. Amid the screams and crunch of broken bones, the Quick Quote Quill wrote the following.

**QQQ**: A Bludger has just beaten down the head of the lying scumbag Daily Prophet reporter, Rita Skeeter. Ms. Skeeter is trying to overcome the huge piece of Quidditch equipment, but with no success. It has now broken her left arm and her right leg. She is trying to reach for her wand to stop the brutal beating, but, oh, the Bludger has broken that as well. This truly is the end for Rita Skeeter, Daily Prophet Reporter. As Rita Skeeter closes her eyes and screams one final scream, the Bludger broke her neck. Now lying lifeless at my side, is Rita Skeeter.

After that the QuickQuote Quill fell to the ground. Harry had flown down and retrieved the bit of parchment and read over the short paragraph. Harry then stuffed the piece of parchment into his pocket and let everyone leave the pitch. Later that night he took the piece of parchment to Hedwig and had her fly to the Daily Prophet.

**THE NEXT MORNING**

Harry, Hermione and Ron were in the Great Hall eating breakfast, when the morning post came. Hermione got her usual Daily Prophet, read the front page and showed it to Harry and Ron.

The title of the article read: "Bon Voyage, Rita Skeeter! Hope the Afterlife treats you well!" Accompanied by the text from the QuickQuotes Quill.

That's it! Sorry if it was a little short this time. Next on the chopping block: oh hell, let's kill Cho Chang! Can't kill the Trio!


	6. Cho Chang

**A/N**: Harry Potter is not mine! It is JK Rowlings! Got It? Good! The trio cannot be killed! Yeah, Cho's on the chopping block today. grins evily She'll have a very special death, just wait and see! Sorry if it's a bit short, my mind's racing which can't cope well with writing a lot of detail. Guess what? THEY GOT THE MUSTRAD OUT! Lol I'm listening to Buffy: Once More With Feeling. Gotta love it! Oh, and 3 days until Harry Potter! squee

**Chapter Six**: Cho Chang, The Girl Who Is a (Fill in the blank)

After a fine denial of Harry to go to the Yule Ball, Cho was walking in the third floor corridor to go to the washroom. When she was suddenly surrounded by none other than;

HARRY POTTER FANGIRLS! (and possibly fanboys? I don't know)

Each girl/possibly some boys? Were wearing a set of customized Hogwarts robes, with one major difference, the crest was Harry's face, and also a huge picture of Harry was on the back. Although there was one or two girls who were wearing tank tops that proclaimed, "Weasley is our King." Each girl was carrying some sort of weaponry; swords, crossbows, baseball bats, axes, hand grenades, you name it, they had it! I wonder if some of these girls were LotR fans stuck in the wrong fanfic? (note: Authoress is also obsessed with LotR and PotC and BtVS, mwahahahahahahahahaa!)

**Cho**: Who're you? (Authoress note: Who else thinks it's amusing that the girl playing Cho has a Scottish accent?)

**#1 Fangirl**: We are here to see that you do not harm Ronald Weasley!

The other fangirls stared at her. A second fangirl comes up to explain.

**#2 Fangirl**: I told you before (enter random girl name here) that we're here to protect HARRY from harm!

**#1 Fangirl**: Oh, yeah, right! Sorry, forgot! (Authoress Note: Think Dory from Finding Nemo.)

As the fangirls advanced on Cho, she slipped on a wet spot on the floor (AN: lol) and fell. As she struggled to regain her footing, one of the fangirls stabbed her shoulder with a knife tied onto the end of a stick. Cho fell back down to the ground, looking up at the angry eyes of the girls, while trying to stem the flow of blood.

**Cho**: Why're you doing this to me?

**#2 Fangirl**: We just saw you reject Harry as a date for the Yule Ball, and that makes us ever so upset. Possibly even more upset that Harry isn't with one of us! Instead he picks YOU! You who are so unworthy to bask in the long shadow cast by Harry Potter's accomplishments and heroism. Not to mention he's dead sexy.

All the fangirls (except the Ron ones) agreed to the last note.

**#2 Fangirl**: And that is why we believe that you must die, for the good of all the Harry Potter Fangirls out there. Cho's eyes widened in fright.

**Cho**: You mean, there are MORE of you?

**#2 Fangirl**: Oh yes, there are so many more of us. We are just the representatives, and as representatives, we must destroy you because…….

**All Fangirls**: YOU SHALL NOT HARM HARRY POTTER!

All the fangirls then rushed Cho and used all of there weapons to eventually kill her. One used her crossbow, aimed for Cho's heart, but being bumped by another girl, it hit her hand, leaving her pinned to the wall to endure more torture before she was dead. Another fangirl used her sword to cut off Cho's left leg, while another hacked away with her axe at her right leg.

Finally, #2 Fangirl came up to the unconscious Cho.

**#2 Fangirl**: You will now feel the cold cruel hand of death. Oh, and have a nice day.

With that #2 Fangirl raised her sword and decapitated Cho's head from her mutilated body. It blinked twice, and then all the fangirls stood back to admire their work.

At that exact moment, Harry, Ron and Hermione came up the staircase to the third floor, seeing at first Cho's mangled corpse, and then the Fangirls. The Fangirls stared at them with a wide eyed look and an evil grin on each of their faces.

**Harry**: Shall we run then?

**Ron+Hermione**: YES!

They ran away from the crazed Fangirls as fast as they could, getting away when they rounded a corner and Harry pulled out his Invisibility Cloak. The Fangirls, not being able to see them, gave up and went they're separate ways. All Except the Ron Fangirls, who went out looking for Fleur Delacoeur.

That's it for now! Read and Review! And for PsychoHaired I am killing Miss Lavender Brown next! The trio cannot be killed!


	7. Lavender Brown

**A/N**: I do not own Harry Potter! How many times do I have to tell you? Anyways I'm in a very good mood because I just finished a school assignment and I'm watching/listening to Pirates of the Caribbean! "Bad luck to have a woman onboard too, even a miniature one" MWAHAHHHAHAHA! Guess who dies? GUESS GUESS! Lavender Brown

**Chapter Seven**: Lavender Brown, the Death of a Flaming Diva

Lavender and Parvati were in Divinations at the end of class, fawning over Professor Trelawney and kissing her ass mostly. Harry and Ron looked at this display in disgust. Hermione had dropped this class so she didn't have to puke at the moment.

**Ron**: Despicable, isn't it?

**Harry**: Yeah, I hate how they're always such suck ups! But, hey! At least we get better marks than them by making up gory ways in which I die at least every day!

**Ron**: Yeah, true. The thing is, Parvati doesn't piss me off as much as Lavander does. Lavender. Who names their daughter after a flower, anyways?

(AN: Elizabeth's Father: I'm told it's the latest fashion in London. Elizabeth: Well, women in London must have learned not to breathe! Sorry that's my favourite quote apart from all Jack Sparrow's lines)

Harry glared at Ron

**Harry**: My MUM was named Lily, you prat!

**Ron**: Oh, right sorry about that! Forgot!

(AN: Jack Sparrow's big entrance whilst the boats sinking. Okay I promise I'll stop!)

**Harry**: Lavender pisses me off too, I just wish we could embarrass her in some way so that she wouldn't be such a goody-too shoes all the friggin time!

**Ron**: Harry! Use the curse you did on Umbridge!

**Harry**: Hey, yeah! Just a sec I gotta get something.

Harry went down to his dormitory and got his items that he needed. Once he returned to the Divinations tower, Professor Trelawney was gone and Ron was talking to Lavender in order to get her to not leave.

**Lavender**: That's nice, Ron, I'm really glad you got a boil on you're a---

**Harry**: HEY! Lavender! Do you like dancing?

Lavender looked at Harry suspiciously.

**Lavender**: Yes, I do, in fact.

**Harry**: Great, then would you mind?

Harry put Lavender under the curse, and she had that feeling that nothing mattered. Harry set up a CD player and inserted a disc into it. Then he brought out a camcorder and pressed record.

_I'm a slave for you, I cannot hold it, I cannot control it_…..

Lavender then started dancing a-la Britney Spears, but going two times faster than a usual dance number. Lavender started dancing faster and faster until the CD switched songs

_I am a fighter, baby, I ain't gonna stop, there is no fighting back, I've had enough_!

Lavender was still dancing twice as fast as normal, but was now emitting smoke from all over her body, and for the last time the CD switched songs.

_I'm tired of rumours starting, I'm sick of being followed, I'm tired of people lying saying what they want about me._

Suddenly, Lavender burst into flame and turned to a pile of ash just as Lindsay Lohan sang her last note. Harry pressed the stop button on the camcorder and picked up the CD player.

**Ron**: Is that going to be called, "Hogwarts Girls Gone Wild"?

**Harry**: Yep.

With that the two found Hermione and showed her the tape of Lavender dying, she laughed her ass off. Later that night, they held a screening of the tape in the Gryffindor Common Room. Everyone loved it.

That's it! Read and Review! Trio Can't be killed! Next to die is Cedric Diggory! Chapter 8 might not be up for a while I have exams. I'll do it as fast as I can!


	8. Fleur Delacour

AN: I do not own Harry Potter. I've decided to kill Fleur instead of Diggory because it has been pointed out to me that DIGGORY IS ALREADY DEAD! (Thanks! I got that since I've read the book and seen the movie.) I could've killed him another way, but fine, whatever!

Chapter Eight: Fleur Delacour The Frenchie who Snubbed Ron!

In the Great Hall, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were sitting down to supper when the front door crashed open. Into the Hall came about 20 girls in blue silk dresses, followed by the most surly looking men imaginable.

Hermione: I don't like the looks of those girls, I mean look at their uniforms! They're scandelous!

Indeed Hermione was right, at that moment all of the 20 odd girls ripped off the long length of their silk dresses and revealed long, tantilizing legs. Also they revealed black leather hooker boots up to their knees. All the boys in the Hall were standing on the benches and tables to get a better look, some of them were drooling. Ron and Harry were up on the tables with their fellow Gryffindors, shouting out random words.

Harry: TAKE IT OFF!

Ron: WHAT HE SAID!

Hermione just sat there looking abashed at her two best friends' rude and sexual behaviour. While the dance of the sexy French girls was going on, one in particual started dancing like Lindsay Lohan, aka Slut-o-Rama, this just provoked the boys further, even Professor Dumbledore was standing up to get a better look at the girl, now swinging her hips as fast as she could. She dipped down and straightened up again, but not before revealing a pair of boys shorts underneathe her skirt that said "Fleur" and had a kiss mark on them. Whilst every boy/male Professor in the room was getting a hard on from this 18 year old French girl, Hermione was busying herself with something under the table. Harry and Ron didn't care about anything other than for Fleur never to stop dancing. There was a round of applause all around, watching Fleur do her sexy thing, people were throwing Galleons at her, begging her to continue dancing and to be there girlfriend. Then all of a sudden...

BANG!

Fleur's eyes buldged a bit, and she fell to the floor in a heap, her beautiful blue dress was slightly covered in a deep red spot on her chest, and a great mass of deep red blood was issuing onto the floor, beneathe her back.

Ron and Harry and Every male in the room: NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!

Everyone looked around wildly, to see how had killed there lovely dancer, as the smoke settled, Harry looked to his left. Hermione was holding a revolver that was slightly smoking at the tip, her arm was out to it's full extent, pointed directly at where Fleur had been. Hermione looked at Harry, then Ron, then the rest of the Hall.

Hermione: It was the only way! We should've never invited that kind of scumbag-sluts to Hogwarts! Hogwarts is a DECENT place! WHY'RE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?

Hermione was right, all the men in the Great Hall were looking at her as if she was a werewolf.  
Hermione now became aware of what she had just done, and started to panick, A LOT! She started turning the revolver on each person in turn.

Hermione: YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME AS IF I'M A CRAZY PERSON (pointed the gun at Harry) THIS IS WHAT MUGGLES USE TO PROTECT THEIR HOME! (pointed the gun at Ron) THIS IS MY HOME! YOU CAN'T THROW ME OUT! (pointed the gun at Dumbledore) SHE WAS AN OUT OF CONTROL SLUT WHO DESERVED IT! (waved the gun around the room)

At once Harry pointed his wand at Hermione.

Harry: Hermione, I'm really sorry about this. Patrificus Totallus!

Hermione went stiff as a board and fell to the floor. Dumbledore floated her out of the Hall, up to the Hospital Wing, and all the students made to leave the Hall, now that they're day was ruined, carefully passing the body of Fleur Delacour. One of the students, and Irish bloak, went up to Fleur's body with a ball point pen.

Irish Bloak: This is for getting my hopes up, and other things.

The Irish bloak then jabbed his ball point pen into Fleur's left leg, issuing a small pin prick on blood.

That's it for now! Read and Review! The Trio cannot die. Although they can go a bit insane, as you saw. Ummm next to die, I dunno I'll figure it out! 


	9. Christmas Chapter

**A/N**: Hey! Harry Potter characters are not mine! Yeah, I decided to do a Christmas Episode, where nobody dies, okay maybe someone dies, but you'll have to wait to find out! Happy Holidays to All!

**Chapter 8**: We Wish You a Hogwarts Christmas

Harry, Ron and Hermione were up at the crack of dawn in the Gryffindor Common Room opening each others' presents. Ron, Harry and Hermione each got their usual sweater from Mrs. Weasley. Harry got various Quidditch memorabilia from Ron, and a book from Hermione.

**Harry**: Hogwarts: A History?

**Hermione**: Well, I figure that if you have one, then maybe you both wouldn't be so daft when I spout off the facts that you should know by now.

Harry and Ron just looked at her as if she were crazy. They both were expecting her to pull a gun on them……again. Both Ron and Harry exchanged various sweets, Quidditch stuff, and stuff from Zonko's Joke Shop. When they were done opening their gifts they decided to head down to Hagrid's Hut to wish him a Merry Christmas. While they were heading down the staircase, they ran into Ginny.

**Harry**: Hi Ginny.

**Ginny**: Hi you guys, Merry Christmas! Where are you headed?

**Ron**: We're going down to Hagrids, wanna join us?

**Ginny**: Yeah, sure.

So the four of them made their way down to the Gamekeeper's Cabin. Hermione had received some awful fruitcake from her relatives, and sadly, ate it. She was throwing up outside of Hagrid's door because she smelled the awful smell again.

**Hagrid**: 'Ello you lot! Merry Christmas! 'Ermione, you al'right? You look terrible.

**Ron**: Bad Fruitcake.

**Hagrid**: I see. Oh 'ello, Ginny! Didn't see you there!

**Ginny**: Story of my life.

**Hagrid**: Well, c'mon in! Help yourself to some treats!

Hagrid's small cabin was filled with a strange smell. A smell none of them had experienced here, GOOD food smell! Each piece of food actually looked like it was edible! So the four of them helped themselves to some of each. Ginny took a good swig of eggnog, then asked Hagrid.

**Ginny**: Hagrid, did you get a caterer or something?

**Hagrid**: Oh, my no! Made this all meself!

Ginny's smile quickly faded. It was replaced with a pale, wide-eyed face, and a look of pain. She dropped the cup containing the eggnog to the floor, and started gasping for breath.

**Ron**: Hagrid! Look at Ginny! Look at my sister! What's happening? Why's she choking?

Hermione snorted into a piece of her pumpkin pie, with a small grin on her face.

**Hermione**: Isn't it obvious? It's HAGRIDS cooking, Ron. Put two and two together!

While Ron was taking his sweet time trying to figure out why his sister was chocking, Harry was trying to help Ginny, who was now on the floor convulsing.

**Harry**: GINNY!

Okay, so Harry wasn't exactly helping, he was freaking out. While he was freaking and Ron was being dumb and Hermione was laughing, Ginny died. Hagrid came out of his kitchen with a jug that looked like milk, but when he put his hand out of the way, it said: FLESH EATING SLUG REPELANT. And right below it had a poison symbol. Harry had a sheet, and pulled it over Ginny's dead body.

**Harry**: Merry Christmas to All, and To All a Good Night.

That's it! Read and Review! The Trio cannot die! Next to die is Fudge!


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N**: These characters are not mine! They belong to the fabulous J K Rowling! Okay so I know that I haven't written in a while, and I'm at school and I don't have my death list with me. Uh, I believe I was going to kill the ex-Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, yes? yes! It's all coming back to me now! How was everyone's New Years? Good? Me too! I got drunk, it was fun! Umm I must warn you that I'm obsessed with RENT now so if you find anything in the story related to that, then there ya go!

**Chapter uhhh Ten? or maybe Nine?** : **Cornelius Fudge and the Unknown Chapter**

Harry awoke to a very loud alarm clock next to his bed, ringing for him to get up. He got his left hand out from under the blankets, found the vile clock, and threw it across the room. With a happy crash the sound stopped. Now with a lot of effort, Harry pulled his head out from beneathe the covers to accompany his arm. He rubbed at his eyes and hair, thinking that he shouldn't have had so many Butterbeers last night. Fred and George had supplied the entire Gryffindor Common Room with the delicious beverages last night on account of it being New Years Eve.

Ron felt the same way that Harry did. He slowly pulled back his four poster hangings and let his red hair fall infront of his face. Which was a good look because he had a line of drool hanging from the right hand corner of his mouth. Harry then seperated his own four poster hangings and looked at Ron.

**Harry**: "Nice look for you, Ron. You could pull off the insane mental patient look right about now."

Noticing the immense drool at last, Ron quickly wiped it away. As he did he caught a look at something on the floor that did not belong at all. Ron went over to investigate what it was. It was a skirt. It was a Gryffindor skirt, because it had the lion on it, and it had two letters neatly embroidered in red stitching, H. G.

Ron looked at Harry while holding the skirt with his eyes buldging out of their sockets, and his mouth dropped open in a mix of surprise and horror.

**Harry**: "What's wrong?"

Ron could only whisper one word as he threw the skirt at Harry,

"Hermione."

Harry then turned to the skirt in his hands and looked at it closely to find the same initials that Ron had found. He looked back at Ron and had the same look of horror.

**Harry**: "B-b-b-ut she couldn't have been here! We're talking about Hermione here! She couldn't have done this!"

**Ron**: "Harry, you and Hermione both had a few more Butterbeer than me."

**Harry**: "RON! She's one of my best mates! It's inconceivable!"

**Ron**: "Harry, do you even remember what happened last night?"

**Harry**: "Well...not so much...but do you?"

**Ron**: "All I remember is that we were drinking Butterbeer, and someone put in a bootlegged copy of Rent, and we were all singing, and then I lost track of you."

**Harry**: "You didn't come looking for me?"

**Ron**: "Well...no, I was kinda busy singing, umm "Light My Candle"

**Harry**: "Okay, that's it! Get dressed, we're going to go find Hermione."

(A/N: I don't know how the hell I got on this storyline! I'll try to focus now, no more romance! Maybe an expultion?)

Harry and Ron went down to the common room to find Hermione sitting at one of the tables wearing her uniform, except her skirt which was replaced with a pair of jeans. She looked up as they entered.

**Hermione**: "Hello! What a wild night, huh? Ummm have you guys seen my skirt? I think I may have left it somewhere around here...after doing laundry."

**Harry**: "You mean this skirt?"

Harry then produced Hermione's skirt from behind his back. Hermione looked from him to the skirt, with a look of shock. It was suddenly replaced by a smile as she took it from him.

**Hermione**: "Uh, did you find it in here?"

**Harry**: "No, actually, we uh, found it in our room."

**Ron**: "Hermione? How much of last night do you remember?"

**Hermione**: "I remember someone putting in a copy of Rent, and bad singing, and then going upstairs."

**Ron**: "Right or left?"

**Hermione**: "What?"

**Harry**: "Right or left staircase?"

**Hermione**: "Uh, left, I think...why?"

**Ron**: "Hermione, the boys dormitories are on the left."

(A/N: Okay this is going nowhere fast, uh I'm just going to speed it up a bit)

So then Dumbledore found out from Professor McGonagall that Hermione did a very bad thing by going into the boys dormitory. She was then given a letter that said that she would have to be suspended for a week and that she would recieve a letter from the Minister concerning her actions.

That night in the dark of the Minister's office, the ex-Minister, Cornelius Fudge was rummaging around trying to find one of his bowler hats that he had left there when he was kicked out of office. Not having enough braincells to light his wand for a bit of light, Fudge was bumping into assorted furnishings in the office. When he bumped into a tall wardrobe, a package of Owl Gravy fell onto his head. The brown, sticky, thick substance would not come off his balding scalp. Just then, an owl containing Dumbledore's letter to the Minister arrived through the open window. It rounded it's big amber eyes on Fudge.

**Fudge**: "Well, I don't have anything for you! Wait until morning."

The owl dropped the letter on the Minister's desk and hopped over to Fudge; He then lay his eyes on the thick goo on top of Fudge's bald spot. It clicked it's beak and flew onto Fudge's head.

**Fudge**: "What the? Get off! I said I didn't have anything! OW! stop that! OW! OW!

The owl hopped to the windowsill and took flight back to Hogwarts. On the floor of the office, Cornelius Fudge lay wide-eyed and swimming in a pool of his own blood. He also had a huge, disgusting hole in his head, which I will not describe because it's too gross. Just imagine a LOT of blood and keep it at that! Beside Fudge's body, the door to the wardrobe was open and out fell a bowler hat.

Oh yeah, and Hermione got suspended for a week. Her own personal hell, being late on assignments!

yeah that's it! Sorry if it was...ummm different! yeah i'm gonna go and escape from the ron/hermione shippers! Next to die is uh, i'll figure it out later! The Trio cannot be killed! But they can go insane and be suspended.


	11. Colin Creevey

**A/N**: these characters are not mine! Don't you people understand that by now? Who's going to die today you ask? Colin Creevey! Stupid little shutterbug!

**Chapter 11**: Hot Off the Presses Colin Creevey

Two weeks after Hermione's suspension, she was still hidden beneathe piles of books trying as hard as she could to catch up. Just then Harry and Ron sauntered into the common room and sat across from Hermione with smug smiles on their faces.

**Harry**: Ronald, do you have any homework tonight?

**Ron**: No, Harry I don't! Isn't that strange?

**Harry**: Now that you mention it, it IS strange. Hermione what do _you _think of all this?

Hermione glared at the two nitwits over her towers of books. Her gaze alone could burn a hole into their foreheads.

**Hermione**: If you want to live past sundown, you will leave, now!

**Ron**: Geez, Hermione, we were just observing that you might be in need of some assistance to get all that work done.

Hermione had heard enough.

**Hermione**: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOUR LAME BROTHERS HADN'T BOUGHT ALL THAT BUTTERBEER I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN DRUNK! IF I HADN'T GOTTEN DRUNK, THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE UP INTO YOUR ROOM, TAKEN OFF MY SKIRT, AND BEEN SUSPENDED! YOU ARE SUCH A WANKER!

**Harry**: Hermione, just breathe for a second.

Hermione tried to calm herself, but then as she was intaking her last breath, she fainted. Ron thought that she was faking, so he proceeded to prod her shoulder with his wand.

**Ron**: Hermione, wake up. We know you're faking!

**Harry**: Uh, Ron, I don't think she's faking. I think we should take her to the Hospital Wing.

**Ron**: Yeah, yeah, good idea. Help me carry her.

Harry picked up the left side of Hermione, Ron the right. Hermione's unconscious head lolled dangerously close to the floor as they made their way to the Hospital Wing door.

**Harry**: Madame P, Hermione's fainted. (A/N: I forget how to spell her name, so she's just be Madame P)

**Madame P**: Well put her on the bed, and I'll need a little privacy.

Madame P. then shut the curtains around Hermione's bed and set to work examining her. She then came out an hour later and told Harry that Hermione wanted to speak to him. Ron made to go to, but Madame P said that Hermione only wanted to see Harry at this time.

**Ron**: Okay, I'll be out here if she needs me.

Harry entered the confined space.

**Madame P**: I'll leave you alone to talk.

Now that he was completely alone with Hermione, Harry was starting to feel uneasy.

**Harry**: Hi. I'm sorry about the homework thing, I didn't think you'd take it that hard. I'm so sorry.

**Hermione**: It's not about that Harry. I have a little problem…….actually _we _have a littleproblem.

**Harry**: What do you mean by we? What do you mean by problem? What do you mean by little? Do you hate me? Cause you can tell me, I can take it! I'm a man.

**Hermione**: Yes you are……….(clears throat) Anyways, the problem, the little problem, uhh, it seems that, when I lost my skirt, I may have lost something else.

**Harry**: What kind of something else? A necklace? Broach? Family heirloom, that kinda crap?

**Hermione**: No, Harry. It seems I may have lost my….

Hermione nods her head towards her mid drift, hinting to Harry. Harry stares at her blankly.

**Harry**: Are you okay Hermione? Do you need me to get the nurse?

**Hermione**: Fine! I'll just say it! I LOST MY VIRGINITY! I GAINED A LITTLE PROBLEM! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME NOW?

**Harry**: ………….no.

**Hermione**: I'M PREGNANT YOU ASS WIPE!

Meanwhile, in the next bed lay Colin Creevey. Recovering from a recent encounter with Crabbe and Goyle's fists. He was busy scratching away on a notepad all the juicy details he had just overheard. Harry heard the scratching and ripped back Hermione's curtains to find Colin staring at him with a scared shitless expression. Harry was furious.

**Harry**: Colin, give me the notepad.

**Colin**: …….I c-c-can't.

**Harry**: I will only ask you one more time…..please, give me the notepad.

Suddenly Colin wiped out his wand and tapped the notebook, which promptly disappeared in a puff of smoke. Harry grabbed at Colin's tie, and yanked him so hard that he nearly fell to the floor.

**Harry**: WHERE………IS……….THE………NOTEPAD!

**Colin**: Away. Far away. Amwahahahaahaaha.

Harry then released Colin's tie, and put his grip on his camera. He turned to face Colin's back, and brought the camera with him. The camera's strap was now cutting off any chance of airflow to Colin's lungs. Harry then twisted the strap around his neck three times, and by the fourth, Colin was as white as chalk. Harry released his hold on the camera and let the boys body drop to the floor. Harry walked over Colin's body, back to Hermione's side.

**Harry**: Nobody will know of our little problem, I promise.

Just then Ron came into the small area around Hermione's bed. He smiled at her. He then took a seat next to her and put his feet up on the end of the bed.

**Ron**: That Madame P. is a sweet lady. She let me watch the T. V. and listen to this.

Ron produced what looked like a magical version of an iPod.

**Harry**: So you didn't hear or see any of the last ten minutes.

**Ron**: Nope. Why did I miss something?

**Harry and Hermione**: NO.

**Ron**: Oh, okay then. Hey, what's with Colin?

**Harry**: Heart attack, very tragic, sudden, very sudden, tragic, nobody could save him.

**Ron**: Oh that's a little sad. Well at least we won't have to worry about his stupid camera.

Okay that;s it. My friend Sarah came up with this idea. The Trio cannot be killed. Next to die, uh, I'll figure it out later. I'm gonna continue running from the ron/hermione shippers, but hey, stuff happens when you're drunk.


	12. Marietta Edgecomb

**A/N**: Harry Potter is not mine! It belongs to JK Rowling! Okay so I've been watching a lot of Dead Like Me and they have some pretty funny ways people die. So I "borrowed" one of the ideas. They probably won't care the show got cancelled anyways.

**Chapter** **Twelve**: Marietta Edgecomb and the High Heel.

As we left off about a month after Harry killed Colin. Hermione is still pregnant (I decided to keep the baby) and Ron still has no clue as to what's going on. One afternoon in the Great Hall, they were all eating lunch, Hermione about two servings worth, when that bitch Marietta Edgecomb came up to them. She was wearing a smug-ass smile and the faint outline of "SNITCH" or whatever it wrote on her forehead, could still be seen, that's why Marietta grew her bangs long.

**Marietta**: So Granger, not filling up enough are we? You best be careful, if you eat anymore you're going to pop.

Harry looked at Marietta with suspicion, he looked at Hermione to see if she had noticed the remark, apparently she hadn't she just kept eating away.

**Harry**: Marietta? Did it take the better part of fifth year to wash that off your head?

Marietta shot her hand over her forehead, looking embarrassed one moment, and back to suspiciously smug the next. She leaned in closer to Harry and spoke just above a whisper.

**Marietta**: If you don't watch your back Potter, I'm going to tell the whole school about why Granger's been gaining weight. She's not just crazy hungry, she's (she leaned in closer to Harry and dropped her voice down even lower) pregnant.

Harry dropped his voice down to a whisper also.

**Harry**: How the bleeding hell can you prove it? Huh? Tell me.

Marietta grabbed a notepad out of her pocket, it was Colin's.

**Marietta**: This is all I need for proof. Little Colin Creevey may have been annoying with his journalistic ways, but he always reported the truth. This little notebook is my way of saying, watch your step or both you and Granger and little baby will be expelled from Hogwarts.

Marietta stood to go back to her house table and just as she had taken five steps, she froze in mid stride. Hermione had stood up and performed the Paralyzing Curse. She then reached down to her feet (which she could still reach and see because she's not that fat yet) and took off one of her high heeled shoes. In the next instant, Hermione threw it at Marietta's head. Marietta thunked to the floor with the heel protruding from her forehead. Hermione sat back down and looked at her food and then at the gaping wound, she stood up, muttered something about stupid morning sickness never happens in the morning, and ran out of the Hall.

That's it! Read and Review! The Trio cannot be killed. Next to die, I dunno maybe Lucious Malfoy?


	13. Lucius Malfoy

A/N: None of these characters are mine, blah blah blah! Okay so I know I've been away for a long time and I am so sorry! This chapter is going to be kind of short because I have one idea and I just want it to happen fast. Just **poof** he/she's dead! Ready? Okay!

Chapter 13: Lucius Malfoy, The Wizard of Oz Wants You

So Hermione is now 6 months pregnant with Harry's baby. Harry is excited and worried that Voldemort might fuck things up for him. Ron is still kind of clueless, he just thinks Hermione got really fat. The teachers are catching on, and McGonagall told both of them that they do not need to worry about their "current situation." Harry, Hermione, and Ron are enjoying an outing to Hogsmeade. They go into the Three Broomsticks and order two butterbeers and one water for Hermione and little To-Be-Named-Soon. Just as they were taking their first sips, Lucius Malfoy comes up to their table.

Lucius: Pleasure seeing you here Mr. Potter.

Harry: Mr. Malfoy, what do you want?

Lucius: Oh I just wanted to bring a warning from the Dark Lord. He says he knows about your little secret. And he knows how to put an end to it.

Harry gets to his feet and meets Lucius eye to eye.

Harry: What secret is that? I don't have a secret. I have a scar, but that's been made public since I was born.

Lucius: What about your female companion? Does she harbour a secret perhaps?

At this Lucius and Harry both look at Hermione……….and her growing stomach.

Hermione whispers to Harry "Don't Ha---" but is cut off by a pain from her stomach. It's a strong pain, not just a kick.

Hermione: Ow……ow……OW!

Hermione and Harry then look at each other and then at Lucius, and something was happening to his hair. The once glistening whit hair had turned to hard straw. His smooth old face had turned rough like a potato sack. At every part of his body patches of straw were poking out of his clothing.

Lucius: What have you done to me? Potter!

Harry: I……I didn't do that!……Hermione did you?

Hermione: No! I don't even know where that is in Standard Book of Spells!….it wasn't me!

Hermione looked down at her stomach and stroked it. It couldn't possibly have been her baby? Could it?

Just then Ron had knocked over the candle in the middle of the table after his elbow had slipped. It rolled right onto Lucius' straw hand and caught fire. Lucius then ran out of the Three Broomsticks screaming and begging for the pain to stop and water. A few helpful patrons poured their Fire Whisky on him, but that only made the flames grow quicker.

Lucius: You will pay for this Potter! I know that your child will die with or without being born! Lord Voldemort will see to that! Oh what a world!

He then turned into a pile of ash and was swept away by a bartender.

Harry Ron and Hermione watched the ashes being swept away, and Hermione looked down at her stomach that housed their little baby girl. If it was possible she thought she felt the baby cooing, as if pleased with itself. My brave little……….Elphaba, she decided.

Mwahahaha! Okay so next time I don't know who's going to die. Read and review. The Trio Cannot be killed. Sorry if this was short. Might not have another for a bit.


	14. Alastor Moody

A/N: I do not own Harry Potter or anything remotely related to it. That is the property of J K Rowling.

Chapter 14: Alastor Moody, A Social Disaster.

So Hogwarts is hosting its first Halloween Social! Yay! Harry, Ron and Hermione are going of course. Of course instead of three there are now four (don't forget little Elphaba in Hermione's stomach, yes the baby's a girl, there it's crystal clear now)

The great Hall was filled with food, friends, and old teachers (except the ones who I've already killed)

Ron sat down at the table and started stuffing himself full of pumpkin pie, pumpkin juice, and pumpkin pasties. He was pumpkin oriented tonight, Harry had to laugh at Ron's chipmunk cheeks, trying to cram enough food inside. Hermione was eating with some zest, it seemed both her and the baby were quite hungry. Harry looked around the hall before tucking in himself. Around the table he saw Professor Lockhart, who was signing napkins and giving them out at random to students or ghosts alike. Harry also saw Professor Moody and his creepy bright blue eye. Just then both of Moody's eyes focused on Harry, and then his blue eye twitch a little to the left and down, at Hermione's stomach. Moody made his way over to their table.

Moody: Potter, glad to see you again. Not really keeping out of trouble now are we?

Harry: Professor, the baby isn't "Trouble" as you say.

Moody: Oh now I wouldn't say that. That child's got some spunk in it, no doubt about that.

Harry: Exactly how would you know Sir? Are you now a Seer?

Moody growled a laugh.

Moody: I was only joking Potter, relax! Besides I failed the Seer examination, disappointed me parents.

Harry: That's...uhhh...awful.

Moody: Yeah, yeah it is. But congratulations to you both, Miss Granger, I think you'll be a fine mother.

Moody went to shake Hermione's hand and just as he let go Hermione didn't look at all well. She started to hold her stomach and was sweating a bit. Just then her little girl kicked her in the colon from inside the womb. Hermione tried to keep it inside but she just had to let it...well, rip. The sound was like someone blowing on a fog horn, and the smell was like beating a dead fish and a dead skunk on a pile of manure in a ripe cheese factory. Everyone in the hall either ran out or covered their noses and mouths with their napkins. Moody just stood there for a second and inhaled normally. All of a sudden he started choking and gaging and gasping for air.

Moody: My (choke) nose (gasp) very (splutter) sensitive (gag) to (cough) farts! (pukes)

After Moody was through puking up the delightfully orange liquid, he took one last gasp of air and fell to the floor dead. The half of his nose that was left withered away to nothing.

Ron: By God, Hermione! Can't you at least warn people when you're about to let one go? I mean come on, at least have common courtesy!

Harry: You're still the best at everything Hermione.

Harry then took away his napkin, and replaced it with a clothes pin. Poor Moody had no nose so now he looked like a very hideous version of a Bratz doll.

Read and Review! Remember the trio cannot be killed! Next chapter coming probably after Halloween.


	15. Crabbe and Goyle

A/N: Harry Potter does not belong to me! It's all J K Rowlings.

Chapter 15: The Dangers of Dancing: With Crabbe and Goyle.

The entire Hogwarts Castle had just finished watching the finale of Dancing With the Stars and/or So You Think You Can Dance? Because Dumbledore was obsessed with those types of shows. So Dumbledore set up a Dance Class every Monday night in the Great Hall, because not only did he want to produce excellent Witches and Wizards but also great dancers! They would be called "Dumbledore's Dancers" (doesn't that sound a tad bit gay? Well that's what the Trio thought as well) The Trio was forced to participate because the dance lessons were mandatory **grumble **grumble

Monday Night, In the Great Hall

Dumbledore: And 1, 2, 3, kick, turn, 1, 2, 3, kick---NO! I DIDN'T MEAN KICK EACH OTHER! Stupid students.

Ron: Not each other? Alright then Professor (with that Ron kicked Dumbledore in the shins as hard as he could) Happy now?

Dumbledore was gasping for air and trying to control the urge to strangle his students one by one. Ron went back to his dance partner...Goyle.

Ron: Bloody hell, why did I get stuck with you?

Goyle just looked at him with a stupid/threatening look on his face.

Harry called to Ron from the other side of the room where he was dancing with his partner...Crabbe.

Harry: Hey Ron! Tell me again why none of the girls are here?

Ron: McGonagall told them to stay in their dormitories and to send notes to Dumbledore that they were on their periods. Dumbledore believes that women can't dance in that condition and 'won't be bothered with hormonal teenage girls.'

Harry: Piss off, you're making that up!

Ron pointed towards a bulletin board recently posted in the Great Hall, it said underneathe:

NO WOMEN SHALL PARTICIPATE IN MONDAY EVENING DANCE CLASS IF THEY ARE BEING VISITED BY "AUNT FLO" COME WHEN YOU'RE BETTER OR DONT COME AT ALL!

-DANCING DUMBLEDORE

Dumbledore: And again: 1, 2, 3, kick, spin.

At the sound of spin Harry and Ron both spun Crabbe and Goyle as hard as they could away from themselves. The fat blobs rotated fairly quickly. Once they were a safe distance away Harry and Ron both yelled Leviosa! Now the spinning forms of Crabbe and Goyle were soaring into the air! Right towards a pair of spears mounted on the walls. Their bodies made no impact sound, but Crabbe could be heard saying his last phrase before he died.

Crabbe: No Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring us down.

Dumbledore looked up at the bodies of the two boys and threw up his hands in frustration.

Dumbledore: Oh this is no good at ALL! You can't dance when there's blood everywhere! Oh fine! I guess I'll just have to cancel dance class until we can get this all cleaned up. I hope next week to see the girls here as well!

With that Harry and Ron went back up to the Gryffindor Common Room. Dumbledore turned the Enchanted Ceiling to Satelite and began watching re-runs of Dancing With The Stars.

Ok that was well, uh I don't really know but it came out in a spurt. Kills two characters in one shot. I don't even watch those dancing shows. Read and review, Trio Cannot be killed. Bye.


	16. Albus Dumbledore

AN: I do not own Harry Potter! Got it (question mark) Good!

Chapter 16: Albus Dumbledore, the main word is DUMB!

It was next Monday evening and all the students had to attend yet another Dance Class with Dancing Dumbledore as he now preferred to be called. As Dumbledore lead them all down the grounds near Hagrids Hut. He wanted the students to experience the joy of dancing in the moonlight. The Trio rolled their eyes and muttered that Dumbledore had finally gone insane.

Harry: Its that vomit flavored Bertie Botts Bean that finally did him in. I swear.

The other two nodded in agreement.

Dancing Dumbledore: Gather round students! Tonight we are going to practice ballroom dancing! But! To make things a bit more interesting, we are going to ballroom dance with the Merpeople in the Lake. Everyone grab a bit of Gillyweed and follow me! We have exactly one hour starting now!

With that Dumbledore shoved some Gillyweed into his mouth and jumped into the Lake.

Ron: I hope he drowns.

Harry and Hermione nodded in unison.

The Trio took a handful of Gillyweed each and followed Dumbledore and their fellow classmates into the icy Lake. Once they had all sprouted fins, gills, and webbed hands they found Dumbledore talking to several different Mermaids. He was gesturing wildly with his hands, trying to communicate with the sea creatures.

Dancing Dumbledore: But we booked this time for dance lessons! (mimes dancing) You must understand that we are not trespassing! I sent word with your ambassador ( mimes puffed up chest, as if important) You must remember! Im Albus Dancing Dumbledore, and I am the Headmaster at Hogwarts (points to the surface) HOGWARTS!!!

The Merpeople were not getting it. They just moved their tridents closer to Dumbledores neck.

Merperson: Leave now! You are not welcome here, Dancing Dumb Door! We will count to three! If you do not leave when we have reached one, you and all your children will die.

Dumledore: These arent my children! For Gods sake I cant even stand most of them as my students! And we DID confirm a DANCE lesson!

Dumbledore grabbed hold of one of the Mermaids, trying to start the dance lesson. The Mermaid shrieked and tried to shake Dumbledore off. The old man was strong, so she flipped her head back and whipped her long hair around Dumbledores head, causing him to gag.

Dumbledore: What! This----is-----not-----proper (gasp) cant-----dance----without (cough) AIR!

The Mermaid released herself from Dumbledores cold, dead, kinda floating corpse. She then picked up her trident and aimed it towards the Trio and the other students.

Mermaid: Leave now! Or befall the same fate!

As the class resurfaced, all anyone could do was talk about how they were never going to dance again. Except the Trio, they were more preoccupied by the fact that they had no clean clothes for the next days classes.

That's it! Read and Review! The Trio cannot be killed. Uh yeah I kind of forgot about the baby, whoops, its there its just not relevant for a while.


	17. Argus Filtch

A/N: None of the Harry Potter characters belong to me, and neither do the songs in the Broadway Musical Wicked.

Chapter 17: Argus Filtch, Caretakers Always Die With A Broom.

One fine sunny non-school day the Trio went down to the Quidditch pitch to give Harry and Ron some practice. Hermione just sat on the sidelines, watching them do flips in the air.

Up in the air, Harry has scored two goals on Ron already. Ron was diving and trying his hardest, but he got fed up at last and landed with a rough thump on the ground.

Harry: Taking a breather, huh Ron?

Ron looked up at Harry, still in the sky.

Ron: Yeah, something to that extent. Then I'll come back up there and make a fool of myself some more shall I?

Hermione was looking at the ground and suddenly spotted Mrs. Norris, with her unblinking eyes.

Hermione: Harry! Filtch is coming! Get down from there.

Harry: Filtch can't make me do anything. He's a Squib remember? He has as much magic in him as a thimble. Ah, here he is now!

Filtch came barging onto the pitch and started to yell at anyone and everyone.

Filtch: Potter! You get down from there this instant! Granger! Stop reading! You're advancing the grade point average! Do you think anyone can be considered at least knowledgeable with you puking your smarts everywhere? And you! Weasley! Stop looking like a deer caught in the blinking headlights all the time! You reek of stupidity, at least your troublesome brothers have enough brains between them to pull of prank after prank!

Harry leaned forward on his broom, addressing Filtch.

Harry: Filtch, you need a woman. Bad. But since you seem to have a very sad and disturbing and most of all pathetic infatuation with your cat, I suspect no woman ever looks at you. You also need a bath, we have those in the castle, you know. I can smell you from up here and there's no wind at all. If you had a little fun once in a while, I bet you wouldn't be such a tight ass bitch all the time.

Filtch glared up at Harry and then softened.

Filtch: I suppose.

Harry: Well I hope this helps. It's not exactly the pleasurable company of a woman, but you can ride her until you're sore.

Harry then landed on the ground and handed Filtch his broom.

Harry: Just fly and let the troubles and the issues melt away.

Filtch got on the broom and kicked off, and once he was a hundred feet up, he looked down at the ground and gave his best "smile", then he suddenly broke into song.

Filtch:

_And nobody in all of Oz_

_No Wizard that there is or was_

_Is ever gonna bring me down!_

The Trio:

_I hope you're happy!_

Filtch:

_Bring me down!_

At the last note of "Down" Filtch shook the broom out in front of him. Suddenly remembering that he needed the broom to be under him, not in front of him, he let go in shock and slammed into the middle of the pitch. Mrs. Norris came over to his body, sniffed it, and proceeded to take a piss on it.

Harry: Well, I don't know about a wizard, but something brought him down.

Ron: Yeah?

Hermione: Yeah...gravity.

And with that they left the Quidditch pitch and the urine soaked corpse of Argus Filtch.

That's it! Read and Review! The Trio Cannot be killed!


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